The Neverending Story!

[KeithS]

Anthony: This all seems vaguely familiar!

Greg: Like something from a dream...

Lisa and Sandie: Star Tours!

Control Tower: Star Tours 45, elevator platform, commence final pre-flight check.

Rex (our pilot): Roger, Control!

Our heroes buckle in for their awesome "theme park" ride.

Greg: Weeeeee!!!!!
(The ship dodges comets)

Sandie: Whoooaaaaaaaa!!!!
(The ship dodges ice crystals)

Anthony: Yeeeehaaaaaa!!!!
(The ship is attacked by a Star Destroyer)

Lisa: Whooopppppeeeeeeee!!!!
(The ship is trapped in the Death Star's tractor beam)

Keith: Uh oh...

Sandie: Stop saying that!!

Keith: but...but...

Sandie: Don't...say...it!

(CLUNK! And the lights go out. Keith removes his seat belt and moves to the door.)

Anthony (whispering): I can't remember the ride ending like this...the good guys always get away...

Lisa: What do you see, Keith?

Keith: Uh...I mean - errr...I think we are in trouble.

Della: No surprise there...

A blast of sparks lights the interior of their craft as cutting tools remove the door. Temporarily blinded, they only hear a deep rasping mechanical voice.

Deep Rasping Mechanical Voice: There is a tremor in the force and it is coming from this ship. Send them all down to the prison level, I'll deal with these Rebels individually - on my own terms...

[sandie]

Deep Rasping Mechanical Voice: In my own good time .....

Anthony: Uh.......

Greg: Oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lisa and Sandie: SHUT UP!

(Lisa leans forward and peeks around the newly opened hatch and starts to giggle)

Lisa: You must be joking - you look so much bigger in the movies.

(A dark not so hulking shape enters the ship - he looks like Darth Vader except shorter)

Deep Rasping Mechanical Voice: Film adds ten pounds you know.

Greg: And about 2 foot apparently.

(Darth slashes Greg with a light saber, Greg's thumb flies off and is deftly caught by Keith. Luckily the heat cauterises the wound and there is no need for first aid!)

Sandie: Whoooaaaaaaaa!!!!

Anthony: Awesome!!!!!!!!!

Lisa: I want the thumb for my collection.......

Keith: Collection???????

Sandie: Told you guys she was still evil.

Keith: You mean she?

Sandie: Yep - she collects souvineers from her victims.

Greg: I am so not Lisa's victim!

Lisa: (grinning) not yet baby but the nights young.

Anthony (whispering): Oh my golly goodness - storm troopers!

Della: No surprise there...we have been boarded by the dark lord.

Storm Troopers board the ship and march our heros off to goodness knows where.

[KeithS]

Anthony (panic rising in his voice): Where are they taking us?

Lisa: God knows where...

Greg (whispering to Sandie): Sandie, the script said "goodness knows where, not "God knows where..." Lisa has fluffed her lines again.

Storm Trooper 1: Silence! This group is full of trouble makers. We'll split them up into two groups: seriously handsome young men...and the rest. You! (points at Keith) You are the seriously handsome young men group. You will be placed in Cell 1. The rest, follow me to Cell 47...on the lower garbage and sewer level.

Keith: Cool, Cell 1 must be much nicer. See you later guys!

Four foot tall Darth: Yes, Cell 1 is the execution chamber. It is nicely appointed with soft furnishings, pretty lamp shades, oh, and our wonderful execution device.

Greg: Cool, can I have a look?

Darth powers up his light saber and with a stylish noise that sounded like bwarppphusshhhh, neatly removes Greg's left forearm.

Della and Sandie: eewwwwww.

Anthony: That's nasty.

Keith (from inside his cell): What did I miss, what did I miss?

Darth: I have a much more important role for you armless one. You are to pretend to be my son when we go see the Emperor. (Addressing the Storm Troopers) Quickly now, take these others down to the lower levels, and carefully guard Cell 1 - he looks shifty - like someone who could devise a totally unique and ingenious escape methodology - just like MacGyver...

Our friends board a lift down to Cell 47, except of course for the one-armed Greg, who has to pretend he is the son of Darth Vader, and Keith in execution Cell 1, who even as we speak, has devised a totally unique and ingenious escape methodology...

[sandie]

Keith paces his cell. It is bare except for a matress and a small container that looks like some alien has found the need to eliminate body waste into it.

Keith: Look at this bare cell - no one but I could have come up with such an ingenious escape plan - Lisa will go spack when she realises how smart I am!

Meanwhile one armed Greg is being marched down a long brightly lit corridor. Form behind some doors singing can be heard, behind others you can hear screaming. They enter a room and Darth and one armed Greg stand before rows and rows of white troopers.

Darth clears his throat: Welcome my massive and well developed armies. I would like to take this most excellent opportunity to introduce you all to my one armed son.......(in an aside to Greg) what is your name?

Greg whispers: Greg

Darth, still whispering: That's not very masculine is it lets go with something else..... (speaking aloud again) I want you to welcome my son......LUKE......(Darth struggles to think of a masculine surname).....Luke SKYWALKER

Troops: sniggger snigger

Meanwhile the others are marched into a prision holding area. In one cell there is a man standing still and straight, with combed back oiled hair and a look of superiority about him.

Mystery Man: Hello Lisa......its been a long long time. I have been thinking of you ever since you walked out and left me at dinner - with nothing but a nice chianti and some fava beans (slurp slurp)

Lisa: Hi Hannibal - how's it going?

[mushu mama]

or....


Lisa: Whats cooking Hannibal?

[KeithS]

Hannibal: Just one greeting is enough Lisa. As for what is cooking, I believe he said his name was Gordon Ramsay.

Anthony: Don't you mean "Who is cooking?" Not "what is cooking?"

Hannibal: No...I'm right. What sort of wine would go well with Mr Ramsay do you think?

Meanwhile...in Cell 1

Keith: Ahhh, perfect!

Using strips of cloth from the mattress dipped in alien body excretions from the bucket, Keith had fashioned a passable replica of a storm trooper uniform which he proceeds to wear.

Keith (yelling): HELP! HELP! HE GOT AWAY!

Another storm trooper (not one of the smart ones that gets to accompany Darth Vader on missions of destruction, but one of those henchmen ones that always gets hit by a laser blast) unlocks the cell door. He sees Keith in his passable storm trooper uniform made out of alien excrement pointing down the corridor, he turns around, to see what Keith is pointing at, and is quickly disarmed of his laser gun.

Storm Trooper: What the...
[Fizz, crackly, spark]
The storm trooper gets hits by a laser blast...and Keith makes his escape MacGyver-style (and is secretly pleased with how smart he is.)

Meanwhile...
Greg, whispering: Luke Skywalker? Is that the best you could come up with?

Darth: Better than calling you Yoda...now be quiet. (Addressing the troops) - My son Gr...Luke has returned to our fold - the force is strong in him...

Larikin Cockney Storm Trooper: 'E's not a warrior, 'e's 'armless

Troops: snigger snigger

Darth: Together Luke and I will rule the galaxy, and from there - rule the...

Darth's speech is cut short by a mind numbing alert tone, followed by the following alert message...

[sandie]

Darth: for goodness sake - wouldn't you think that almighty power and a one armed son would be enough to make people listen to me!!!!

There is a commotion near the door as Keith comes barrelling in through the door

Keith: Its ok Greg I...
Greg: Its Luke now
Keith: What? Whatever I am here to rescue you!!!!!
Greg: You could have dressed for the occasion.

The storm troopers are all laughing and one manages to easily disarm Keith who is now frozen. He is mortified as he looks down at himself and realises how fast alien excretment disolves. His disguise is gone.

Greg: Glad you left your briefs on man!!!!!!!!

A kindly storm trooper hands Keith a fluffy pink robe as he is forced out of the room and down to the same chamber as the others - obviously he is no longer considered seriously good looking.......

[ajp]

In a bizarre twist of irony, or is it fate, realising that this stroy line was going no-where, a bright flash floods all the scenes and then everything is thrown into darkness.

All of a sudden everything around is gone. It's like the whole area has been sucked into a black hole, or worse, a virus. Anthony is there standing on his own, wondering where everyone has gone.

Anthony: Hello lo lo lo lo. Anybody there ere ere ere
[Thought bubble] I wonder where everyone is? It's as if they've all been sucked into a black hole, or worse ...

Voice over Man: Hey, that was my line.
Anthony: Sorry.

[Thought bubble again] This is just like the forum when there is not much going on. Maybe they all have post Bathurst withdrawals like me, but I'm ready for round 11 at Indy. Maybe I should tell them all it's on next week. Or maybe it's the global financial crisis, and the fact that those of us who have holidays booked will now be paying 30% more and they're all off trying to re-do their spreadsheets. Hmmm, I've done that already too. I just wonder ...

He wanders off into an unknown oblivion, looking for whoever he may find, as virtual tumble weeds blow slowly by behind him

[KeithS]

The sound of Anthony's footsteps fade into the background

Crickets

More crickets

Even more crickets

A lonely cough

then...nothing

[sandie]

Of course we all know "nothing" is a very subjective term. In order to have nothing we must of course have something.

A buzzing can be heard, it grows louder bythe minute until it would be enough to make you cover your ears (if in fact you were in this great nothingness).

In a small village far far away a rooster crows and heralds the start of a new day for our unlikely hero........

Keith: (stretching as he awakes) Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day.....

Hump in the bed next to Keith: ummph....

Keith: Sorry, how about: Zip a dee doo dah, zippedy hey....

Hump: Shut up you talentless loser.

The hump sits up and throws back the blankets. Keith gasps when he realises its not Della but .......

[KeithS]

Keith: Sandie? Wha..? Huh..?

Keith looks around at the wreckage that was his rustic cottage. 16 empty bottles of wine, a half consumed cheese platter, clothes scattered about, and (sighing with relief) three other unconscious bodies lying in various states of disrepair.

Sandie: Some party huh? And if you ever wake we with your poor excuse for singing again, I'll tear your arms off.

Keith suddenly realises that it is not quite a beautiful morning, and not a beautiful day...in fact, it was definitely not a Zip a Dee Doo Dah Day either. The process of sitting upright caused the room to spin one way, then the other, then upside down. He clung tightly to the doona to stop himself sliding off the bed.

Keith: Oooh...I don't feel too well...

And slowly but surely, the other three unconscious bodies began to stir...

[sandie]

Lisa: Kungaloosh........anyone?
Sandie: i don't think hair ofthe dog will help with this hanover Lisa - I don't think we are in Kansas anymore.
Greg: How come Lisa, Anthony and I got the floor whilst you two got the bed?
Keith: Don't you remember? You lost.
Greg: Lost what?
Anthony: (Laughing) Now I remember.
Lisa: Oh yeah Greg - you were the worst of us!!!!!!
Greg: What? What? Tell me?

(The others all look at each other and seem to agree to not tell him - well not yet anyway! Its only a matter of time anyway until he realises that the pink tutu he is wearing is not his normal attire of choice)

Keith: SO does anyone have any idea where we are?
Sandie: I think.....
Lisa: No, Sandie it can't be......
Anthony: Great they are doing that girl thing again
Sandie: It is....
Lisa: Oh my goodness.....
Keith: Tell us! Where are we?
Sandie: We seem to have been transported to............

[ajp]

No-one needed to say anything more. They realised once they saw the people, the cars, the objects flying which way and that. They were stuck in the game. Toy Story Mania. But not where they wanted to be they were IN the game.

Keith: We've been transported to Toy Story Mania
Sandie: That's just what the Narator said genius.
Anthony: But we're stuck IN the game

The girls just stand and look at each other, shaking their heads.

Greg: But how do we get out?

A loud voice that sounds just like Mt Potato Head booms over the group.

Loud Voice: In order to get out first you must win. But beware, in every game danger hides beneath the surface.

Lisa: I'm the only one here to have played aren't I? That means that it's all up to me. OK, first we must ...

[mushu mama]

Lisa: first we must make sure we pick a spot on the screen so that when the people in the little trolleys start shooting at us, we are standing in front of a total loser that cant shoot fish in a barrel.
Dont.... and I repeat DONT pick a kid over the age of 3... you are sure to get stuck with a dart or have a plate connect if you do. ... they have so much practice on their Playstations that you are just a sitting duck. Same goes for middle aged men... some of them would surprise you with their reflexes...

My pick would be the mom.... or the grandma... then you might dodge the bullets long enough for one of us to figure out how on earth we're going to make it to the end of the game alive.

Oh Lord... positions everyone....


INCOMING..... !

Lisa. -/

[KeithS]

Keith: Hey, I'm a middle aged man with a knack for playing a Playsta...

THWACK

Keith: Ow!! What the???

THWACK

Keith: Hey stop tha...

THWACK

Lisa: GET DOWN YOU FOOL!!!

Keith (now covered in virtual eggs): Lead the way Lisa!

Anthony (after a couple of "snigger sniggers": Look, follow me down here.

Lisa: NO ANTHONY! The next game is the...

Anthony: OW!

Lisa: ...dart throw game.

Sandie: Come on - we can get through this - keep moving, what can be worse than the darts anyway...